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Jokes and Cartoons
A new guy in town walks into
a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar
bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches
the bartender
to ask: "What's up with the jar?" Bartender: "Well,
you pay ten dollars
and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy
gives him the
ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have
to drink
that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND,
you
can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull
chained up out
back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your
bare hands.
Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an
orgasm in
her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an
idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and
get
crazier from there."
Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez
zat
teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with
a
big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't
make a
face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside
hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and
growling, and
eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
back
into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his
body.
"NOW," he says, "where's zat woman with the sore
tooth?"
Dr. Joe
Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,
trying to reassure him:
"Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Let it go. "
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Joe, you're a vet."
On the farm lived a chicken
and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the
two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold
of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the
other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken
then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best
buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
"penis" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The
chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up
chicks.
A cowboy rides up to the Saloon ,he gets off his horse,goes back and gets something from under the horse's tail and rubs it on his lips.The bartender is watching this and as soon as the cowboy comes in the bartender asks"What did you do that fer?" The cowboy replies"Cause my lips are chapped(chafed)". "Oh,does that help?" asked the bartender."No,but it sure keeps me from lickin' my lips".
Two guys were talking...1st guy says "Man I was so drunk last night I blew chunks"...2nd guy says "Yeah I know what you mean,I've been that drunk before"...1st guy says "No,you don't understand,'Chunks' is my Pony".
This fellow sees an ad in the paper for a 'Free Cadillac' and decides to go check it out.He drives way out in the country and finally spots a shiny new cadillac in front of a farm house.He walks up to the house and sees a farmer sittin' on the front porch and asks "Is that the free cadillac I saw in the paper?" The farmer replies "Yep,sure is,but there's a condition to gettin'that car,sit down and let me explain.A while back I was out in the barn milkin' ol' Bess and danged if she didn't kick the milk pail and spill all the milk. Well,bein' a thinkin' man ,I took a nail an' nailed that hoof to the floor. So I got to milkin' her some more an' danged if she didn't kick the pail with her other back hoof. Well, bein' a thinkin' man I took a nail an' nailed that hoof to the the floor. So I got to milkin' her some more an' danged if she didn't whack me in the face with her tail, I fell over an' spilled all the milk again. Well,bein' a thinkin' man I took a rope an' tied her tail up to the beam over her stall....Now , if you can convince my wife I was just milkin' that cow....You can have that cadillac".
A tourist is visiting a small village in Mexico and realizes he doesn't have his watch on.He spots a local snoozing under a tree next to a donkey and walks over to ask if he knows what time it is.The local looks up from under his big sombrero and says "Si Senior no problem" then reaches over and grabs the donkey's big sweaty balls ,holds them momentarily and replies "It is 12:30 Senior". The tourist is amazed and asks "How can you tell the time by holding the donkey's balls?" "Oh it's very simple Senior" then reaches over again and grabs the donkey's balls ,lifts them out of the way and says "You see that clock over there".
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing
next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion
smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't
be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to
tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion
away.
So that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the
farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The
farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and
sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run
by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early
this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."
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